Another midnight, more lack of sleep. I am wired to the gills and have no idea when my head might find the pillow. There was a time not long ago when I could crash out as soon as I got home from work and sleep through til the next morning. Probably not real healthy either. And being on this project, which is such a drain everyday, you would think I would fall into bed exhausted about 7 every night. But I cannot. I usually am up way after Craig Ferguson says good night. And though I don't sit down to write about this often (because I am trying to make myself fall asleep) my mind still goes 100 miles an hour. I think a lot about where I have been, where I am at, and where I am going. The mistakes and failures of the past play in my head like old 35 millimeter home movies. What would I do differently, what can I do differently to stay on course? And am I doing those things. Sometimes I feel myself begin to slip and have to get up and re-read blog posts or go through the box of pictures and treasures to bring myself back into focus. I have already done those things tonite, yet for some reason I cannot seem to settle in.
This evening was different than what has become my routine. I came straight home. I made my dinner and wrote my blog. I started laundry and cleaned a little. I thought about tomorrow and seeing my boys, and the weekend thats coming. Angel and I are swapping weekends starting with this one coming, so it will mean limited time with them. Friday and Sunday evenings will be my only time we spend together, but the pay off will come next weekend. I thought about work, the crunch time we are in right now. the 10 phone calls I have to make in the morning, the schedule that I have to keep this weekend when both the Texan and southern son of a bitch are taking time at home. I ran the gammet, then called and talked to Bobbi on the phone for an hour or so. We talked about her life and mine, each of us asking for advice and giving some back. And after all of that, here I still sit.
Now my thoughts wander into places that I don't share here or anywhere really. Hopes and aspirations, fears and concerns. I get into thinking about the things I keep from nearly everyone, those things that only one or two people in the world know. We all have those, and we also have those thoughts and feelings we share with absolutely no one. Not bad horrible things, just pure thought and emotion without censorship. Those things we are too afraid to say out loud because they then would become real.
I will dream tonite if I sleep. About my town, about the places I know so well if only in my mind. I wonder who will be in it and what it will mean, what it all means. I have been through that 1000 times as this dream has chased me since I was much younger. It is like watching a different episode of the same show every time I close my eyes. I do remember very vividly the first time I ever had it, but have never told anyone about it. But last night I was at work in the town, and it seemed so real. I remember in the dream actually wondering if it was a dream, until TG said "I am in a really good mood this morning". Thats when I knew it wasn't real.
If not, i will get lost in my thoughts again. From issues in the world to issues in my day to day life, I will try to figure it all out. But I know I will be getting ready for work in the morning no more advanced or educated than I am right now.
I hope you all are sleeping well as I write. Good Night All...................