The definition of insanity

Tonight, I watched the movie Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. A sequel to one of my favorite movies from the 80's, I had been anxious to see it for awhile. Former tycoon and ex con Gordon Gekko comes back to find a way to claw his way back to the top of the financial world. And without giving away the ending to anyone, he discovers that his mistakes have cost him more than he imagined. It's a good lesson, and one that I can relate to where I stand in life. It is an excellent movie that I would recommend.

During the movie. Shia LeBeouf's character quoted something I have heard and said many times. The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results. Such a simple idea, yet so true. During the past few months I really made an effort to try and change things in my life. As you may have read in my New Year's blog, I have found that my own pursuit of happiness has evolved based upon my experiences and mistakes. I have always had the need to have someone standing beside me, and that has often led to me jumping off the high dive rather than just putting a foot in to test the waters. When you wear your heart on your sleeve waiting for someone to claim it, it becomes a bit more difficult to distinguish who may be truly special and who was just another girl. A really bad cycle to be in, not just for me but for the ones along the way.

So when I realized something had to give, I stopped that pursuit all together. I didn't check my plenty of fish account, only going back to revise and say I am no longer looking, then deleting it all together once I figured out how (they make it really difficult to leave lol). I stopped going to Craigslist to see if Ms. Right may be there. I mean how many 32 year old women from Clintonville/Columbus can there be, right? I even stopped being set up by my friends, which happened quite a bit during the fall. Figuring that what I really want will find me when its time, I focused on my guys and my work. And it has paid huge dividends, because not only am I a lot happier, so are the boys. Well at least when they are with me lol.

As I have said so many times, I am no where near where I want to be. But coming to terms with this part of my life - a huge part of my life that I had built an entire belief system around - has been difficult but well worth it. I resolve in 2011 to just keep doing what I am doing. It seems to work for now.

As you might expect this will be a very difficult week for me. Posts may be more frequent, or I may not write at all. Wednesday will be the hardest day of all, the day we lost her in 2009. I will get up very early, make the 400 mile pilgrimage to spend a few minutes by her side and place some flowers, then turn and come home. It will be a long, lonely day on the road where I am sure my thoughts will overwhelm me at times. So any posts that show up that day may be random and short. While sharing the story of those 29 days here has been very therapeutic, the memories of today, tomorrow and the next few days are very painful. They are almost impossible to put into words. So please bear with me, and say a prayer for my family and myself.

Good Night...........errr, Good Morning All............

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