A random blog in the middle of the night
Today was a day that I really missed my mom. No, its not her birthday or anniversary or even the date we lost her. Instead it was kind of a rough day for me. There are a number of things in life right now that are weighing on me, and late in the day they all came to a head at once. And in the past when I have needed to sort things out like this I would call her. She always had a way of nudging me in the right direction, without forcing what she thought on me or just telling me what I wanted to hear. As I drove from Chillicothe to Columbus I knew it was one of those moments. And since picking up the phone and letting her guide me through the rough patch is not an option, I instead went to The Point.
Normally I find great comfort there. It has been a place of great solace for me. I go there in the middle of the night and let what is really rattling around my head come out, as if speaking the words and letting the wind take them somehow takes the weight from me. As I walked out onto the peninsula, my friend Ralph with me step for step, I was struck as usual by the night time scenery. An endless field of constellation and straggler stars lit up the sky. The water rippled calmly as no breeze could be detected, and the porch lamps from the houses reflected almost all the way around the lake, except of course for the dark area. I spoke loudly and for several minutes, as if my friend wasn't even there beside me. The words flowed from my mouth in a much freer manner than they have recently. I spoke about what I need to do versus what I want to do, about the fear, the waiting, the desire, the truths that I know and hold dear, and so on. I talked about the moment of absolute certainty I had this week when I was confronted with doing the right thing versus doing what I wanted to do. A moment when so many questions I had could have been answered, but I let that moment pass, sure that opening that door would lead to nothing but bad. It was indeed the right thing to do, and I knew it in the moment. I let all that was on my shoulders go, casting it onto the water and into the universe. Yet as I walked away from that spot, my place of peace and relief so many times before, I felt as though the weight only became heavier. My friend knew and tried to console me as he should have. But no matter what he said, he couldn't understand where I stand tonight. And there is no way he could have.
So I came home and tried to sleep, sure that what I am feeling will be gone by tomorrow and I will once again put all of this in a neat little box and leave it in the corner. But as I was laying there my thoughts raced even faster and brought me to the keyboard. I wrote a blog, left it unpublished, and began writing this.
I recently wrote that sometimes it feels like the rivets could pop loose at any moment, spinning this whole thing out of control. It has been close to happening quite a bit recently. It was closer than ever tonight. As I wrap my hands around the reigns once again and pull back, I wonder how much strain they can take. I am being tested right now, no doubt. A test of my patience, my strength, my courage, and my fear. And while I know I am strong enough to overcome this, I wonder how much longer it will last. And if that timeframe is really within my control at all.
I need to sleep, though I am not holding out hopes of being successful.
Until next time Good Night All...............................