Another sleepless night

I started to write this blog post a little earlier tonight. Being that it's Valentine's Day and I do not have anyone to share it with for the first time in nearly 20 years, it's been weird day. Normally the romantic, make some one's day kind of guy, I am missing connection with some one. Yet as I turned the calendar today I was ok with no one to call. I spent last evening with Purple (last years valentine) and the Little Monkey, having dinner and watching a movie that I could only watch with her. This morning I did text the Kentucky Redhead, but only because it is her favorite day of the year. But I didn't feel like anyone was missing, just the experience. No impending surprises. No look on some one's face. So I decided to just be melancholy. I came home and had dinner then started to write. But the phone rang.

Most days I feel like a pretty good father. The boys and I enjoy every moment together and have some great times making memories that I hope will be with them for life. Parks and walks in the warm seasons, making snowmen and sledding in the cold is part of who we are. I feel as though my relationship with them has really grown and improved since the separation. I know I am a happier person, and they enjoy getting that side of their dad.

I am concerned what they are feeling and thinking and doing when they are not here. I want them to be well adjusted and rounded kids. That is almost impossible when you go to bed in fear as I did every night for 5 years when my mom was married to her second husband. He hit us, and that was the least of the issues. At times I think back on those moments and how scary they were and I vowed, from the day John-Michael was born, to never be that guy. Sure I lose my temper at times, as does everyone. But I never let them go to bed without knowing how much I love them. It's important for them to know.

I sit writing this blog feeling like a horrible parent. Normally the person who can talk him out of any fit, I was exasperated on the phone when my oldest was inconsolable tonight. I got in the car and drove over to Angel's at her request. The situation had already escalated and I had my work cut out for me. And while he went to bed calm and knowing how I feel, the things that happened when I was there will keep me awake tonight. They are my whole world.

I am so afraid that I cannot fix this for him. And if not, will it change the way he sees me as he moves into adolescence? "You're the best Dad in the world" is what he always tells me. I hope he still thinks so.


Popular posts from this blog

A Roller Coaster of a Christmas Miracle

My 9/11 memory

Wake me up when June ends