I recently came upon  blog I wrote 4 and a half years ago. Having just received devastating news about my mother, I pulled into a rest area on I-72 in Illinois, and poured my angry, confused, and hurt thoughts into what would become the first blog post I ever wrote. It was not on this forum, it was on myspace, but I since copied it here and keep it unpublished. I am sure I will read it many times as I do all the others, helping me to never forget where I have been. But there is no reason to share what was in my head during one of the darkest moments of my life.

In that blog, I rambled on a bit about my mother. About how she worked 4 or 5 or 6 jobs at a time to keep macaroni and cheese on the table of a tiny 2 bedroom mobile home we lived in when I was very young. I am sure it was a struggle for her to support my sister and myself (Josh came along towards the end of our trailer life) but she never showed that to us. I remember learning to ride a bike there, weekends at the park with the curvy slide, and getting to go to my mamaw's nearly everyday. I didn't realize then that she was doing everything she could to keep a roof over our heads, all while spending whatever free time she had making sure we knew that we were her top priority. Yeah, my Mom was great like that.

This was a good weekend for Tiffany and I. The boys were with their mother, so we took the opportunity to go yard saling for the the first time this year. We found bikes for the younger two, a couple baseballs and gloves, and a few cool things for the house. Saturday we went to my friend Brad's birthday party, and Sunday we had a lazy day around the house. At 5 I met the boys and their Mom at the park to bring them home.

It was then that she told me some news that I am not sure how to react to. Personally, I should be very happy by what she had to say. But I feel bad for them, and am terribly disappointed in her. I feel bad that they have to feel like their Mom is not willing to do whatever it takes for them, as my Mom did for me. I feel bad that they are not worth the effort. And while I get the best end of this, I am all too familiar with what they are feeling because, while my mother always made us feel important, my real Dad was a different story. And all I can do for them is show them how much they are wanted and loved at my home, and that there is nothing I would not do for them.

It has been 4 years since our marriage ended. I fully admit that I made some terrible decisions and mistakes then, things I cannot change or take back. But what I won't do is shoulder anymore blame for someone else's issues now. If I lost my job today, I would have another tomorrow. It may not pay great or be what I want to be doing. But I would have one, and my guys would never know the difference. That is my job. Keeping them feeling safe, secure, and happy with a roof over their heads and food in their bellies is the number one priority of any parent right?

My boys need prayer. So does their mother. And at the end of the day, so do I. I pray now that I can show them how to be men, that they are happy, and that someday they will know they have a Dad AND a Mom who would do anything for them.

Day # 65. More time with my boys is always awesome, it is good to be me!


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