Untitled - From October 12, 2010

Below is a an unpublished post I wrote almost 4 years ago. I was in the middle of my roller coaster ride, up one day and down the next. It was a bad time in my life, one full of bad decision after bad decision. But no regrets. Every stumble and every bad moment led me to where I am now. Maybe you won't even be interested in what this says. That's ok. Publishing this is cathartic. And reminds me that October 12, 2012 was just another step on the path. And so is today.

(Couple of foul words in here, sorry about that, really wasn't thinking right when I wrote it)

I have always said this blog is for me, and that while others are welcome to read it, I do this so that I can look back at my thoughts and see where I have been. For anyone who reads this, tonight's blog is different. And I will preface it by saying I don't need a thousand calls or comments about its content. It is what it is.

I am a guy who tries to treat others as they deserve. At work, I do what I am asked and try to get along with everyone. As a father I have made countless sacrifices in the divorce process because its what is best for my guys. As a friend, I am there. You call me at 3 am and I am in the car headed to you, ready to be your handyman, errand boy, or shoulder to cry on. And in a relationship I give and never ask anything in return because I like to make people happy and let them know how much I care about them. So what the fuck am I doing wrong? 

Why do I feel so alone that the thought of going to work, or coming home, or even getting out of bed in the morning is dreadful to me? What is it about me that repels people? I talk about my friends, but really none of them have the time for me or hear what I am saying. I go to work and watch others get promoted because they are more flashy than I am and grab credit where ever they can. And I continually get rejected or ignored by people that I go out with and think we have a really great time, only to never hear from them again. So I ask again what the crap is wrong with me?

This solitude is killing me. Outside of work its been days since I had an actual conversation with another person. I feel like I am always the second option, the back burner guy. My friends only call when they need something, not because they want to hang out or see me. The women have a good time, but I am never as good as plan A. Do I need to change who I am to get ahead? Do I need to be an asshole? Would anything really change if I did? I mean no one is really talking to me now right? So if I am rude and mean and inconsiderate what changes? 

This is my rant. I am sick of everything. I am sick of myself. And I feel completely alone.

This is not my normal M.O. On this blog. I don't need or want a thousand calls or comments. Just down and not sure how to get up. But I will figure it out. I always do.

Day # 555. I don't even recognize the guy who wrote this. Grateful for second chances and God's plan for my life. It is good, really good, to be me!


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