Pushing Forward

 Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same. Those lyrics to an old Patty Loveless song can certainly be applied to just about anyone. Think about your life 5 years ago. Is it the same as today? Are you where you thought you would be? And how have you handled the curveballs thrown to you in that time. A swing and miss? Or knocking it out of the park?

It has been nearly two months since I sat down to pen a new entry into this journal of life I like to share with you. A lot has happened and, as has been the case before, I learned and pushed forward. I have had my professional credentials questioned and was told that nothing I had ever done in my career means a thing now. Ouch, that hurt. And it really was not an accurate portrayal of the situation at hand. But that is ok. I dissected the things that were said and re-evaluated my priorities. I took the insults, fed them to my ego, and am currently using them for fuel, propelling me to where I want to be instead of where I have to be. Along the way I learned that as long as someone else's name is on the check, I have to take my lumps. And while I suppose I already knew that, I never had it highlighted like that for me before. It's all good though. Happy faces are easy to put on. Pushing forward.

When we last spoke, I was excited about walking a mile. It was a major accomplishment at the time, because it was the first time I had done anything that resembled exercise since - well maybe ever. That was huge. And though the progress has been slowed at times, last night I laid down 3 miles, with part of that running. And I feel great this morning. 2 months ago the thought of walking a couple hundred feet was daunting. Now, I cannot wait to try to run even further tonight. Pushing Forward.

Life is about change, and perpetual motion. I have often stated in this blog that if you told me a year ago where I would be now, I would never have believed you. And I imagine that is not an uncommon theme. But I look at people around me and wonder how their perpetual motion can be backwards. And how they never seem to realize that the only person who can reverse their motion is themselves. Instead, they keep waiting for everyone around them to make it easier for them and fix whatever the problem they have created for themselves. They never push forward.

4 years ago, stuck in between mourning my Mom and celebrating my new single status, I was buck slap stupid. No doubt. And other people made sure that news was known to anyone who would listen. Exaggerated stories of my lack of parenting skills and reckless abandon towards my children helped alienate me from my family and friends. Not that I was completely innocent. My journey through that dark time is well documented and a part of who I am. But others painted me to be an absentee father, which could not have been further from the truth. During the worst hours two things held true. The first is that I never stopped working and trying to provide for my boys. Even if that meant traveling all over this country to do so. And the second is that they never stopped being at the top of the priority list. It is where they remain today, and everyday after,  as I continue to push forward.

I find it very ironic that the very source of those allegations then now finds their perpetual motion taking them backwards. Having done absolutely nothing in recent years to move forward, the games and excuses have finally fizzled. There is no way to look good. There is no way to blame me for your mess. And as I watch karma come back around, I feel vindicated. As if all the people who turned their backs on me then now see where the truth truly did lie. And yet, I take no comfort because my boys are the ones who pay the price. I put my arm around them, let them know their father loves them very much, and we push forward.

I look back over the last few years of life and the steps I have taken to re-create myself. Some have been monster leaps of faith, while others have been drunken and wobbly steps that I can barely remember. But here I am. The beer drinking, cigarette smoking, unhappily married, "absentee father", unhealthy and uncomfortable in my own skin fat guy has become the sober, smoke free, devoted to my guys, getting healthier but still fat, confident and so in love S.O.B on the keyboard today. And then I look forward. The next steps are apparent, crystal clear. They lay out like a novel, ready for me to write each page as my new career takes off, my belly gets a little smaller, my awesome wife only gets hotter,my boys grow into men, and I see my happily ever after. And I think, I got this.Compared to where I have been, this is gonna be a piece of cake. Or Pie. I like pie so much more than cake. Strawberry Pie. Mmmm....wait.......sorry.

Day # 151, perpetual motion and pushing forward. Effin awesome to be me.


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