A Confession

I have a confession to make.

Brace yourself, you are probably never going to look at me the same way again.

A deep dark secret that only my wife has known until recently, just saying the words brings more shame to me than you can possibly imagine. I mean what kind of person I must be to be hiding this. Worse yet, what kind of person does that?


Here goes.......

I have not been to the dentist since I was 9.

(dramatic pause, I will wait for you to process that and try to re-focus)

I remember the day well. The dentist was somewhere on Colerain Avenue in Cincinnati. From the light in my face to the dentist's hand in my mouth to the needle they stuck in the back of my jaw, I was not a big fan of that experience. And I never went back.

Sure I thought about it in my twenties and thirties. I would hear other people talk about doing it. Like all the cool kids were get root canals and fillings, but stuck in my head was the memory of that smell and the mean dentist yelling at me for flinching. And I knew I just couldn't do it. No way. Just let me smoke a cigarette, eat some Little Debbie's, drink a cup of coffee and forget it. Besides my teeth were not in bad shape anyway.

Actually, I really didn't think they were. I never had any pain or other issues that people around me would have. From an ear infection related to teeth issues to being unable to chew on on side because of pain, I was lucky enough to avoid all of these things for my entire life.

But then I noticed something.

I am not a vain person. I shower, brush my teeth and get ready for work without stopping to examine myself in the mirror. But in my new found "physical improvement" stage, I took the time last week to check out my chompers. Uh oh.
The bottom of my front two teeth looked green.


I brushed them again, thinking I surely would have noticed if they had been that way. But it didn't come off. Now I am freaking out. I am seeing that commercial in my head, with the guy telling people tips for smoking as you grow older. The one where he takes half his teeth out and creeps you out. And I am thinking how much I smoked for how long. And how much I like eating things like apples and how hard that was gonna be to do without front teeth. I was going to look like Joey Deater when I was growing up.

No. No. No.

Fear of no teeth overcame fear of dentist. I made the call.

So yesterday, for the first time since 1982, I went to the dentist.

Now the fun part.

You know what a quick and easy way to irritate my pretty little wife is? My pretty little wife who, in her life time has had braces and about $25,000 of dental work, including almost 5k since we got married? Tell her that, after almost 35 years between checkups, you have zero cavities and just needed a cleaning. That they recommend I get my wisdom teeth pulled but not a huge deal since they have never bothered me. Yeah, she was all kinds of "You Suck" and "Shut the crap up."

It was not at all what I was expecting. From the warm environment to the very nice ladies who helped calm my fears as I nervously waited for the pain to begin (which it never did), it was a stark contrast to the nightmare I had when I was a kid.

Day # 1069. Told you I had a secret. Don't hate, you have one too, probably way worse than mine. It is good to be me!


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