My son, the Bully

Last Friday, before I got home from work, there was a knock on my front door. My wife, Tiffany, answered the door and was confronted by an upset father. This man, clearly frustrated and at his wits end, informed her that our son Ben had taken part in the verbal bullying of his son Jordan. And while Ben was not the primary offender, nor had he been involved since the beginning, he was still a part of a group of kids who had been picking on Jordan for 2 years.

When Tiffany called me I was floored. For those who do not know Ben, he is a great kid, the last person I had ever imagined would be involved with something like this. Sweet and always caring, Ben often will give up something he wants if someone else wants it more. He asks to help around the house and is a very even keeled kid. Still he is a little awkward, not feeling like he fits in. He is an artist while his older brother is the athlete, so Ben has always felt like his identity needed to be separate from John Michael's. This includes polar opposite interests, and a different set of friends. And while this is no excuse, I felt that trying to fit in may have been the root of this issue.

I called this man immediately and apologized for any involvement my son might have had in this. I asked that he bring Jordan to my home that evening and we could sit the boys down and get to the bottom of this. He agreed and we set a time.

I arrived home about 30 minutes before they were scheduled to be there. I sat Ben down and we talked to him. He told us that he knew this was going on. And while he had never directly said anything derogatory to Jordan,  he knew his friends had. I asked if he tried to stop it, and he said no. I then explained to my son that standing by, watching it happen and not trying to stop it makes you as guilty as the person doing it. There is no difference. As we talked more, I learned that Ben had taken part in ostracizing this boy from the lunch table, and saying bad things loud enough for him to hear but not directly at him. I was shocked by his words but appreciated the honesty. I asked what he was thinking and he told me he was worried about what his friends would say. He said he felt bad for Jordan but didn't want to become the target if he spoke up. So he went along. I told him while I understood, there are no excuses to be made here. He needed to man up for what he had done.

I told Ben he owed Jordan an apology, and that he was no longer to associate with kids who are being bullies. Jordan and his father came over and the boys talked. Ben said he was sorry and his Dad explained to Ben what this was doing to his son. A promise was made that my kid would not take part in this anymore. It was a good resolution for everyone, but I still had one bit of information that was bugging me.

Ben told me that he and his friends had been called to the guidance counselor's office about this. Twice. And I never knew anything about it.. After giving myself the weekend to calm down, I wrote an email to his school. I explained what had happened and asked them how, in all their infinite wisdom, did they not call me when my son was called to the office for bullying someone? I got a phone call from the assistant principal, who was very aware of the situation. She said she didn't call me because, and I quote, "It never occurred to her to call me." I asked her how that was possible, and she told me that both times they had found that nothing had really happened. I told her that was funny since Ben admitted to it Friday evening. She seemed shocked that happened. She told me she would follow up with Ben, and I asked her to watch him to make sure he was doing what he said he would do. She gave me a phone call back at the end of the day to let me know that Ben had followed up and told these kids he could no longer associate with them if this was going to be how they were going to conduct themselves. I plan to follow up with Jordan's Dad and the school to make certain that is the case.

This whole situation had already hit home to me. Many years before stories of Jonathan Martin and Richie Incognito were in the headlines, I had to deal with bullying of my own. I will never forget being beat up everyday on the way home from second grade. I will also never forget how different that kid acted the day after I let him know I had had enough by whooping him up and down Royal Glen Road. Kids cannot do that now. Jordan has already been suspended once for standing up to his bully. However, yesterday it hit a little closer.

Last evening, somewhere else in Gahanna, a young girl took her own life. A sophomore athlete at the High School where John-Michael goes everyday, the rumor is that she was bullied as well. And it is so very sad. I look at facebook and people ask what can we do and how can this be prevented? How do we keep this from happening everyday all over this country?

 I do not know the answers. 5K memorial runs and candle light vigils are fuzzy, feel good moments after a tragedy. But what about before? What about when a middle school vice principal decides not to call parents because it is no big deal? Or when a kid is called a name on his walk home from school? Or when he stands up to his bully and gets suspended? Aren't these the places where life lessons should begin? Shouldn't the get togethers and rallies be held before another kid decides it is too much?

Again I do not know the answers. I only know that I will not be the father of a bully. Enough said.

Day # 261. I am praying for the family of this young girl who took her own life, for Jordan and his nightmare to stop, and for my son who has found the courage to do the right thing. Been a rough week, but still good to be me.